Does Your Marriage Partner Need Alcohol Treatment?
An Alcoholism Test to Help You Get Some Clarity
Introduction
You can find many tests for alcoholism on the Internet, so why do we need yet another one to see if someone is an alcoholic and needs alcohol treatment?
It's because most of the tests out there are aimed at the wrong person, and that's not very practical. They are designed for someone who is wondering if they have an alcohol problem. The typical functioning alcoholic isn't interested in going to alcohol treatment and therefore probably won't even look at the test; he doesn't want to have his suspicions confirmed. And no test is required if the signs of alcoholism are more advanced.
"Does Your Marriage Partner Need Alcohol Treatment?" is designed for anyone who thinks their partner has an alcohol problem and wonders if the drinking has progressed to alcoholism. The test is aimed, not at your partner with a possible drinking problem, but at you who cares for him. If your spouse really is an alcoholic and needs to go to an alcohol treatment center, you need to know.
Unlike most tests which usually don’t provide specific commentary, this one includes my comments after each question or group of questions. This way you can see why I included each statement and get some clarity on its significance to your situation.
You decide what you find useful to you and what doesn’t apply to your situation. If it resonates with you, great! If a question doesn’t fit, just be curious about it and then move on.
The Test
1. Your husband sometimes admits he may have a drinking problem.
2. He has sought help for his drinking problem at least once that you know of. He may have even joked about going to an alcohol treatment center. He has sought professional help for emotional problems where drinking was probably part of the problem. He has attended at least one AA meeting. He has tried to quit at least once.
Dr. Neill: If he sometimes thinks he has a problem with alcohol, he probably has. Intuition is usually correct. If he has gone beyond talk and has sought alcohol treatment, a self-help group (AA) or tried to quit, he knows he has a problem. The extent of the problem is the big question.
3. You sometimes think he has a problem with alcohol. You have asked someone for help about his drinking.
Dr. Neill: Your intuition about the drinking may be dead on, just like his. Pay attention, but don’t draw any conclusions just yet.
4. He comes from an alcoholic family.
Dr. Neill: Growing up in an alcoholic environment does a lot of emotional damage. Some children from alcoholic families grow up to be total abstainers; others are able to drink socially with no problems; others abuse alcohol and become alcoholics. Alcohol may help people suppress memories of abuse. However, sometimes taking a single drink of alcohol is enough to bring up such fearful memories that he might think he is becoming an alcoholic. So just because someone comes from a family with a history of alcoholism, it doesn’t mean he has a problem with alcohol.
5. He often drinks in the morning. Sometimes he drinks by himself. He sometimes gets drunk without intending to. He sometimes can’t remember what he did or said the previous evening of drinking.
Dr. Neill: These are tell-tale signs of alcoholism. The first three statements suggest that drinking has become compulsive. The loss of control of compulsive drinking is a symptom of addiction. Not being able to remember anything that took place while he was drinking is called an "alcoholic blackout," a significant sign of advancing alcoholism. The presence of any or all of these behaviours strongly suggests a need for alcohol treatment.
6. He has sometimes denied drinking alcohol when he was obviously drinking. You know that he hides his alcohol usage so others won’t see it. He gets resentful, defensive and angry if anyone comments on his drinking.
Dr. Neill: Denial is the major line of defense for most problem drinkers. Little lies become bigger lies, until lying becomes a lifestyle. Just ask anyone who is in recovery from alcoholism. Rebuilding trust is one of the major challenges faced by the recovering alcoholic.
7. Your husband has lost days at work or school because of drinking. He has gotten into fights when drinking. He has lost friends over his drinking. There has been a charge of driving under the influence.
Dr. Neill: These and many other negative consequences occur when the drinking has become a compulsion. Often there are accompanying financial and marital strains. His judgment deteriorates. What counts is not the individual incident, but whether there is a pattern of such events.
8. He says he drinks to reduce tension or stress. Alcohol helps him build his self-confidence.
Dr. Neill: Lots of people have low self-esteem, and so do many problem drinkers. Perhaps most do. The real issue is whether or not your husband is becoming dependent on alcohol to overcome another mental health problem, low self-esteem.
9. He has accused you or others of “making him drink.” His drinking increases after a quarrel. He sometimes becomes verbally or physically abusive when he drinks, and his abusiveness is getting worse even when he isn't drinking.
Dr. Neill: Blaming others or justifying his behaviour, instead of taking responsibility, is a common emotional problem in relationships. The fact that his failure to take responsibility is exaggerated by alcohol and accompanied by abuse is a major red flag. Regardless of whether or not your partner is an alcoholic, you are not in a safe place.
10. You often worry about his drinking and you have trouble sleeping. You are feeling responsible for his actions. You issue ultimatums, but you don’t follow through. You get him to make promises that he will probably break. You sometimes cover for him or make excuses on his behalf when he’s drinking.
Neill: Your behaviours strongly suggest you are into the “alcoholic dance.” Your partner may well be addicted to alcohol, but you have become codependent. Your behaviours, no matter how well-intentioned, do more to support the alcohol abuse than to stop it.
11. You feel alone, fearful and anxious a good part of the day. You are beginning to lose self-respect and hate yourself. You sometimes think you are losing touch with reality.
Neill: These are the normal mental health consequences of remaining in a codependent relationship, with or without alcohol abuse. Codependence doesn’t help you or your partner. As long as you are safe from violence, you may not need to abandon the relationship to break out of the codependence. But you may need assistance.
Final Comments
As I hope you have concluded from completing this exercise, understanding whether or not your partner is an alcoholic and needs alcohol treatment is not just a matter of counting bottles or tabulating answers to a questionnaire. The issue is quite complex. My hope is, however, that the exercise has helped you to identify with greater clarity the severity of what you are dealing with. Help is available when you are ready. Help is also available when he is ready.
Copyright © Neill Neill. All rights reserved. Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He is a member of the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, a drug and alcohol treatment center for men. He writes a regular newspaper column on healing and self-improvement. To read related articles by Dr. Neill go to http://www.neillneill.com/category/alcoholism/
Last update: February 9, 2007
